Monday, June 30, 2008

Jimmy....

Enough with the invites already.

Danny....screw you...why you singling me out?????? Hahahaha.

Alternative to Makeover

Michael, if your makeover doesn't help you to win over your chick; check out Dimitri's approach. This dude seems to have a good handle on how to win the ladies over.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Stages of Life

I'm sure all of you have noticed the numerous and varied stages of life we all seem to go thru or watch those of approximate age go thru. It always fun to compare experiences and share the lessons of life learned as we travel down the road we call life. We all remember anxiously awaiting the first few black hairs to appear on our boys in middle school and showing them off proudly like a badge of courage. Or sharing high fives with your buddies when you all lost your virginity in high school- JT missed the boat on this one but he was a late bloomer. The list goes on....
- Getting Married
- Getting Divorced
- Having Kids

This week I watched as a close friend traveled down a lonesome road that I am sure I to will have to travel down sooner or later. I had to watch this poor bastard go thru the angst of preparing to lose his manhood and being neutered. Now I can accept the idea of not wanting to have any more kids and still riding bareback but this sh!t scared me. How the hell did I get to the stage of life where my friends are getting vasectomies? Please God bring me back to the days of yore.... I can only imagine the things waiting for me around the corner of middle age.

American Psycho

Holy crap...just finished watching American Psycho for the first time. Wow that guy is messed up! More scary though is watching the daily routine that they guy goes through every morning taking care of his face. Here is a quote:

In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.

I'm wondering if this was a hint that I need to start watching John more closely since his routine with his micros and whatnot is eerily similar.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Extreme makeover

Which neck do you think Michael is sporting after the makeover?

I'd eat the peanuts out of--their shells.

I returned James's favor and took the crew to the Express game tonight. We didn't have a suite, but I did manage to get us seats on the 3rd row basically behind home plate. Towards the end of the game I was enjoying some roasted peanuts. Who cares, right? Bear with me. I picked up an odd peanut habit from Nunnrey years ago. I eat them shell and all. This usually throws people off a bit, and tonight was no exception. A dude taps me on the shoulder and asked if I was indeed eating the entire peanut. He pointed to his lady and said she had noticed I was eating them dirty. He asked if he could try one so I obliged and also made his girl try one. They liked or humored it. Hopefully I've spread my deviancy to a new crowd tonight.

Deebo's Chicken Coop

Today I was at the gym on one of the cardio machines (hard to believe...I know). I kept hearing some bird squawking. I kept looking around and felt like I was in Deebo's chicken coop since I couldn't see where the hell the noise was coming from. Finally, I realized it was some old woman on a stair step machine that had her pet bird in a soft-sided pet carrier.

Who the hell brings their pet bird to the gym?

Friday, June 27, 2008

Ric Flair

Looks like Flair was in Vegas the other day. Norm Clarke of the Las Vegas Review-Journal says:

Former pro wrestler Ric Flair, hosting a party in the private dining room of N9NE Steakhouse (Palms) on Wednesday. Flair was wearing a T-shirt that had an arrow pointing up at his face saying "Man" and an arrow pointing down toward the word "Legend."...


I thought he was cool before, and this just reinforces it. Back in school James got a couple of those t-shirts made up for me and JT.

Wooooo!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Shoeshine Man on Duty

Does anybody know what ever happened to Shoeshine Man from State? I can remember when he would bust up in our suite my freshman year looking for some 'Lammas' and talking a bunch of nonsense.

On one occasion in particular I remember he came in Eric T's room while we were sitting there bs'ing with our normal routine. Eric was playing a game of pool on his computer and I'm sure we were watching Jeopardy or Springer. Shine was asking Eric about that 'crazy' looking game he was playing and Eric offered to let him play.

It was pretty damn funny. When Shine tried to pull the cue stick back he ended up shifting the view to be upside down and underneath the table. Eric quickly corrected this for him and then Shine ended up upside down again. I think Shine was convinced there was some sort of major skill involved with the game and quickly became frustrated before finally giving up.

Anyway, I occasionally think of Shine and wonder what happened to him. If you have any info please share, or feel free to post your favorite Shoeshine Man story.

Blog Template

I'll even do you another favor and put together this simple template for how to write your own entry. Copy and paste this template and fill in the blanks.


Remember that time when we were drunk at [noun]? You know, the time when [name] was [dumb action being performed]. I think that might have been back in the [season] of [year].

That [name] chick was really hot and [name] was trying hard to put his [noun] in/on/around her [noun]. And the whole time [name] was acting like an a$$ because he was so hammered. Then, [name] bet $20 that he could kick some dude's butt out in the parking lot.

And then [name] and [name] went to [name] apartment because they said they heard a crying baby. What really happened is that [name] was naked on the couch and [name] wanted to touch her [noun]. All of the sudden, [name] fell backwards down the stairwell while taking down everything on the walls with his hands and arms. The tremors could be felt across the street because [name] is so phat.

After that we watched [bar name] burn down. Back at [noun] we busted the bottom out of some 32oz bottles and then broke the bottles over each other's head. Yep, we are getting old now and those were the days.


Helpful tips for success:


  • Use the hyperlink tool to link things that readers might need clarification on. Some popular sites we're currently using as references are Wikipedia, Urban Dictionary, IMDB, Hot Chicks with Douchebags.

  • Check the site daily as you never know when someone might post some sort of new dickatry.

  • Be sure and follow the general guidelines laid out in Genesis.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

What's It Gonna Take?

We've already seen some participation from DP and Michael (good job guys), but what's it going to take to get the rest of you knuckle-heads to either post an entry or at least comment on a post so we know you are paying attention?

Here are some sample topics if you need help coming up with something to write about:
  • Mark's bat phone
  • Ben made a girl convert to carpet muncher after dating him
  • Les and his magic shoe box
  • Aaron and the topless hair salon
  • Luke losing my keys in his d!ck
  • JT doing the truffle shuffle
  • Mike loves chicken
  • Devin and his coconut

Help Michael out and change the topic for a few days so he can focus on his Queer Eye makeover. And if I'm missing an author that you want included send me an email and I'll get an invite out.

The Results are in

I thought I should do y'all a service and pass along the results of the Lime-y beer taste test James and I performed. We've recently seen the introduction of three new beers that can save you from having to add your own Twang.

Miller Chill came out last year, and we added it to our lineup in a limited capacity. It's a little weird, and you generally don't feel like having more than one or two. This relegated it to mostly a celebration/consolation beer after taking in an MSU game at a bar.

Luckily for us, Anheuser-Busch came strong and brought, in my opinion at least, 2 better options. Weeks ago, we happened to have Bud Light Lime and Michelob Ultra Lime Cactus on hand at James's house and decided we should figure out which was better. I won't try to build up any suspense--Bud Light Lime was the winner. It has a stronger lime flavor. Ultra Lime Cactus is no slouch, it just seemed a little more understated.

Now for the bad news. These beers don't seem to be available everywhere, and I think I read that some may just be a seasonal thing. Even at stores that do carry them it seems to be hit and miss. The HEB closest to us is out of Lime Cactus and BL Lime frequently. Stock up while you can.

We're On To You

If you haven't been following, Michael has been posting some very disturbing things over at Deep Thoughts. These things have had some of us worried about his well-being. Luckily, this morning John sent me an article about one of his (John's that is) favorite celebrities, Brody Jenner, and I think I might have figured out what is going on with Michael.

I'm not so sure Michael is actually trying to 'reinvent' himself as much as he is attempting to win Brody's latest reality TV show called Bromance. Here's a little excerpt from the MTV article:

Former “star” of the ridiculous Princes of Malibu and regular of The Hills, Brody is starring in and executive producing Bromance, a show title so bad that I’m almost embarrassed to type it. The show seems to have the same concept as Paris Hilton’s upcoming reality debacle - prospective “bros” will compete to see who can be trusted to join Brody’s inner circle of douche bags. These tests of brohood will include skydiving into Las Vegas, dealing with the Paparazzi and being Brody’s wingman. Most amusing? The guys will go on “group dates” with Brody, aiming to get some one-on-one “alone time.” Kind of like The Bachelor only… grosser. Think it couldn't get any better/worse? Don’t worry - it does. “Bros” will be eliminated via a “Hot Tub elimination ceremony,” where bro rejects will be asked to leave the bachelor pad, leaving in nothing but a bathing suit with their suitcases dragging behind them. Their pride, however, will be gone forever.

What do you guys think? Is this what all the hoopla is about with Michael's makeover? He wants to be bros with Brody? I wonder if John is secretly getting prepped as well with his micros and what not.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Take Advantage Man

There are several things I miss about the Deep South. And I'm not talking about the humidity as I keep a constant moisture with me at all times as pointed out in the comments to The Mexican. I'm talking about the nectar of the gods that is known as sweet tea.

You take it for granted while in MS since it seems in many establishments sweet tea is the default, and if you want crappy unsweetened tea you actually have to specify. In my current location there just aren't that many establishments that offer sweet tea. And for many of the places that do have it there is no comparison to the level of quality I'm used to.

Once a week my company provides a lunch where all of the employees gather in the conference room to enjoy the feast together (there's only 17 of us so not that big of a deal to be in one room). The food changes weekly and we have a 'healthy' rotation with Mexican, BBQ, pizza, sandwiches, etc. Our BBQ typically comes from Rudy's which happens to be my favorite BBQ place around. Rudy's is one of the few locations in town that actually serves sweet tea.

Last week was BBQ week and I learned that I work with a bunch of people that are uneducated on the simple pleasures of good sweet tea. While in line making our plates and getting our beverages I noticed a couple of my co-workers actually getting half sweet tea and half unsweet tea. Several of them were actually discussing that the sweet tea was 'just too sweet' and they had to cut it with some unsweet.

I'm here to tell you that while I enjoy my Rudy's...their tea just isn't that sweet. Discussing with John earlier tonight he equated Rudy's tea to taking cold, unsweetened tea and dropping a packet of Splenda in it. It ain't quite the same as a nice big cup of the good stuff from Bulldog Deli. I suppose my co-workers wouldn't know any better since none of them come from the South. All I can do is shake my head in disappointment to their ignorance.

I'm just waiting for someone to tell me where I can get some of Miss Bell's magical sweet tea (Billy Currington - Good Directions). Sweet tea is from the earth. God put this here for me and you. Take advantage man, take advantage (Friday, sort of).

Saturday, June 21, 2008

The roach that brought down a restaurant.

Disclosure: I hate roaches. They're my Kryptonite.

The wife and I decided to check out a certain unnamed fine dining establishment in downtown Austin a few months ago. We rolled up on a Saturday night and the hostess informed us that there'd be about 15-20 minute wait. No problem, we grabbed a couple drinks at the bar and within about 10 minutes we were seated at a table for two along the wall.

Now, this restaurant is in what appears to be an old house. My spidey sense had me checking out the wall vent 12 inches from me and scoping out the bookcase that was along the wall behind my wife. I also made a mental note about a small ceiling tile that was ajar. Our server dropped off some bread, and we proceeded to look over the menu. The next time I look up from the menu I notice a large roach has crawled out from the hole in the ceiling. I flagged down a waiter (not ours) and let him know what was up. He goes into the kitchen area to get his gear or whatever while I wonder how he's going to get this thing without making a huge scene.

For reasons unknown I took my eye off the ball for a second. When I checked the ceiling again it was gone. I'm on DEFCON 1 at this point assuming it's jumped to the floor and is going to crawl up my leg*. The server I alerted had also re-emerged and was puzzled by the lack of roach. I had had enough fun at this point, but my wife wanted to finish her glass of wine. As she takes her last couple sips I notice her eyes get really big and she's looking at the wall next to me. The darn thing (or a friend/family member) had crawled up the wall, and was sitting 10" from me!

I hop out of my chair, and do a quick inventory of items at my disposal for roach killin'. My cloth napkin is pretty much my only choice. I smash it and ball it up in the napkin (I hope they use bleach when they wash those things). The waiter I had tipped off earlier comes by and collects the carcass, and then comes back with a couple new (unnecessary) napkins... We leave at this point.

So what do I see a couple days ago in the local newspaper? That restaurant is closing at the end of the month. The owner's claim is that cost increases are hurting business and they're going to reopen in a month or so as a Mexican restaurant. Personally, I think the story spread about my encounter and now they need to de-roach and re-brand to ramp up on diners.

* In 7th grade I was sitting in a computer class and a roach crawled up the teacher's leg. So my paranoia is not without precedent.

The Mexican

Last year Shey's parents came out for a visit and brought her 9-year old cousin along. Since the cousin is a bit too young to be incriminated we'll call her Nicki (the name of her favorite American Girl doll). Nicki is a very cute little girl and that weekend we had a lot of fun taking her to Dave & Busters and site seeing around town. Nicki also forced me to watch several episodes of Hannah Montana while explaining to me all of the back story so I would know what was going on. I powered through it until she would fall asleep so I could watch my boxing, The Simpsons, etc.

Last weekend Shey was back in MS for a wedding. The wedding was for Nicki's aunt (another one of Shey's cousins). When Shey came back, she said that my sister-in-law had over heard Nicki talking with another family member at the wedding about the Mexican that Shey is married to out in Texas. Huh? She thinks I'm a Mexican?

Now I guess I've heard it all. John's sister-in-law thinks (or at least used to think) that Mark and I are brothers. She also thinks we are of Eskimo descent. Now part of Shey's family thinks I am a Mexican. All I've got to say is that I need to find my igloo so I can take a siesta...this typing makes me sleepy.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Hooters...Hooters...Hooters!

Back story: Back in 2003, Hooters was celebrating their 20th Anniversary with a promotion called the Hooters Passport. They issued you a passport in which the goal was to go to 20 different Hooters within the year. Hardcore competitors (such as myself) were given: a certificate of completion, an entry into a drawing for $20K, and most importantly a party that included 250 wings.

I dragged many of you to various Hooters across the country that year (and several trips by myself) so I could finish the challenge. When I did succeed, I had a party at Hooters in the Fall of the following year. However, because of limitations on the party (of course it had to be in the middle of the week) I angered some of you (read between the lines: JT) that were out of state and could not attend.

Fast forward to 2008. This is now the 25th Anniversary of Hooters and they have brought back the promotion. Now you need to visit 25 different Hooters, the drawing is worth $25K and the 250 wing party is still on the table just for completing the challenge. I now know the error of my ways from last time and instead of going to the trouble of only getting my passport book stamped we (John, JT, Nunnery, me) decided to try and get four passport books completed. This time we are running the old divide and conquer method to take on the daunting task of visiting 25 different locations.

Progress report: I am proud to report today that my boy, JT, must think that chicken wings are going out of style because over the course of the last month or so he has by himself gotten stamps at 5 additional locations. That puts us up to about 15 total (actually 2 passports only have 14 b/c some chick in Phoenix wanted to be a stickler for the rules and only give one stamp per person). This leaves us with plenty of time in the year to finish up those last remaining stamps.

What does it all mean James? What it means is Houston and Dallas...you're on notice. There will be a Phatboy train running (of course not literally) through your town this year to get those remaining stamps. Even more exciting; it means that in 2009 we will be having 4 different wing parties. And if you are keeping your abacus handy that will be a total of 1,000 free chicken wings!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Peeing Trees?

Remember the big crape myrtle trees in the courtyard of the frat house at State? More specifically do you remember the tiny drops of water always falling from the trees?

I have several of these trees in my backyard now and theres one thing for sure...I avoid standing under them like the plague now after reading this article from the Austin American-Statesman:

I have a crape myrtle in my backyard that is always releasing tiny droplets of water, almost like it is sweating, even when it is very hot and dry. Is this a problem? If so, is there anything I can do to save it? - B.D.

In the words of horticulturist Skip Richter, Travis County extension director with the Texas AgriLife Extension Service, "Get one of those little umbrellas to put in your
iced tea." The droplets are a normal, natural occurrence for this time of year, but they're not tree sweat — they're insect urine. Bugs are sucking the sap from your tree and releasing the extra moisture.

No need to panic, says Wizzie Brown, entomologist with the Texas AgriLife Extension Service. These insects, typically soft-bodied creatures such as scale insects, aphids, whiteflies or hoppers, do not typically congregate in large enough numbers to cause major damage to your tree. Natural and synthetic pesticides are available if you feel
your tree is in danger, but be sure to make sure the product is appropriate for trees, Brown warns.



Who knew we were all into yellow discipline?

Why I Shouldn't Drink on School Nights

Earlier this morning my wife called to ask me what I was dreaming about last night. Apparently, she claims I was giggling like a little school girl and woke her up in the middle of the night. Funny she asked because I immediately started laughing again; running through what I vaguely remember about my dream.

As John mentioned in Skyboxin' we had the pleasure of the VIP treatment last night at the ballgame and they had my favorite beer there...the free kind. We tried our hardest to make sure none of the beer went to waste and now this is what I remember from my dream afterwards.

We were at some sort of sporting event. I don't remember everyone in attendance, but I do specifically remember seeing John, Michael and most importantly Luke. The guys were headed to the restroom and there was a line. My turn was next and Luke was just walking out of a stall. Luke had a grin on his face with his devilish heckle that I have seen on several occasions when something bad has or is about to happen.

I went into the stall to find that Luke had left a very large deuce in the toilet as a gift for me. I hit the flusher and proceeded to urinate. I continued looking straight ahead so I wouldn't have to stare at Luke's creation. Unfortunately for me, the toilet began to overflow and the deuce erupted over the side of the bowl and landed on my shoe. In shock I walked out of the stall and exclaimed, "Luke $hit on my shoe!" I then kicked my leg into the air to dislodge the deuce from the top of my shoe. The deuce ended up on the floor and I then left the restroom and continued telling everyone about Luke $hitting on my shoe.

Details are fuzzy here, but the last thing I remember is that Michael and Luke went back to the restroom for some reason. When they came back out they now had a baby carrier (like a car seat or something) in hand with the deuce in it. They were laughing uncontrollably while walking around and stopping for innocent bystanders that wanted to see the baby only to be shocked and disgusted when all they saw was a huge deuce instead.

When I woke up I literally thought my stomach was hurting from laughing so hard, but this quickly turned into a mad dash to the bathroom for myself. I guess my mind's drunken translation of my body saying "wake up you're about to $hit yourself" turned into "Luke $hit on my shoe" for some reason. Anyway...beware of a laughing Michael/Luke combination...especially if they have a baby carrier in hand.

Move that mullet so I can smack that neck....

Alright sports fans, make sure to watch your local news tonight cause I might just be on it.



First let me give you a little background....

See living here in Nashville allows one to really understand why it is called "Music City USA". I mean every freaking person you meet is some sort of musician, songwriter, or singer. However, ala Hollywood if you ask more detailed questions (Whats your day job?) you will generally find that most either flip burgers, tend bar, or offer happy endings at the local massage parlor. Every once in a blue moon you get an opportunity to meet someone that is actually a full-time musician/writer/singer. I have a close friend/poker buddy that is one of these elusive creatures and in the past two years he has hit the big time with several #1 songs on the country charts.



Sidenote: I really need to figure out how to write music. This guy used to make his kids split a water when we went out to eat, no joke. Since his debut he has paid cash for a house and two new cars. Not to mention he gets to hang out with Carrie Underwood and Julie Ann Hough.



Alright so all that to say.... today at 3pm I am going to my first #1 party. My friend wrote "You're Gonna Miss This" performed by Trace Adkins ~ aka Mr Honky Tonk Badonkadonk~ and is being recognized with a golden something. Well Trace will be there and since the aforementioned Badonkadonk song I can't stand him. So maybe just maybe I'm gonna walk up to that tall SOB and push that greasy mullet to the side and punch him square in the vertabrae.

Wish me luck....

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Skyboxin'

Yet another sporting event ruined.

Nunnrey took us to the Super Bowl this year, so watching it on TV in the future will be a let down. I got to take in a U. Texas football game in a skybox in '99 which has basically soured me on cheap seats at college football games. Now James hauled me over to a box for a Round Rock Express game. I guess minor league ball is ruined for me now too.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Best Summer Job

The other day I was catching up with Luke via phone and we were discussing easier times back when we were still at State during the summer.

That summer we (Luke, Michael and me) worked at the machine shop . One of our first jobs was individually packaging shelf clips for resale. This may very well have been the best job in the world. My first memory of tackling this job was sitting over at Luke's trailer and setting up our version of an assembly line. The tasks included: cleaning the clips; packaging the clips; sealing the packages; and counting them. We were able to complete this at a significant pace all while keeping cold beers in hand and watching Michael's Girls Gone Wild collection.

My other favorite job at the machine shop was packaging the hot dog rollers. This one actually required us to go down to the shop. A slight amount of attention was necessary here since we had to keep count of how many rollers we put in each box. But we had a good time talking about how cool it would be if we had our own hot dog roller at home and making plans for the evening.

Yep, those were the days. Making a little pocket change and going to class during the day. And spending our evenings grilling and pitching horseshoes. Now, I'm spending my summers working 10-12 hours a day during the week so I can have some spare time on the weekends to mow the lawn and go to Home Depot and Bed Bath & Beyond (if there's time).

This weekend I had the pleasure of replacing some rotted wood on the exterior of my house. Holy crap it is hot outside. Luckily I dragged my resident handyman, John, down to help out and figure out how to cut the ridiculous angles needed. Not quite the same as packaging shelf clips or hot dog rollers like we did at the machine shop.

Genesis Revisited

As Michael pointed out over at Deep Thoughts... I did leave out a small detail about Daniel. Daniel has been known for both slapping necks as well as punching them. It's like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're going to get.

Revised punishment for breaking the rules:
"And if someone is caught breaking the rules...we'll send Daniel to punch or slap you in the back of the neck. Punisher's choice."

Friday, June 13, 2008

Exodus

James spelled out the basic rules. Now it's time to get into the issue of the day.

The latest posts from Michael over at Deep Thoughts... has us wondering if the CA desert heat has finally gotten the better of him. His nascent life coach has him rethinking his current existence. It's bad enough that he's given much thought to this nonsense, but to act on it? Like Snoop said, "B Please."

No word yet on whether the new haircut materialized. But, if coach doesn't like Vineyard Vines, I'm betting Mike's about to be all Mindfreak-Criss-Angel'ed out on the next Vegas or MS trip.

Genesis

backtoms [bak-to-mis-uh-sip-ee] - Song lyrics popularized by Afroman and now home to yet another blog about nothing.


You all know the rules of backtoms:
  • Rule #1: you do not talk about backtoms
  • Rule #2: there are no rules. What about Rule #1...that's more of a guideline...don't interrupt! (yes, this is a direct ripoff from Out Cold, one of the best movies known to man)
  • Rule #3: Let's keep it to first names and/or non-identifying nicknames (don't need my next employer being able to tie me to this stupidity).
  • Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion. (Wedding Crashers)

And if someone is caught breaking the rules...we'll send Daniel to punch you in the back of the neck.

Got something to say? Post a comment or you know how to get a hold of me to become an author.